More Than a Number

My dad is trying to get us to go on a diet. Frankly, I’m not thrilled.

I’m not going to name the company that we’re using, but it’s one that delivers food as part of its plan. It wasn’t the first time he’s brought up this plan, but I honestly only agreed to it this time because if I didn’t, he would have just brought it up again later. And he also brought this up the day after my stomach bug, and I was feeling tired and still a bit out of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I need to lose some weight. But for as long as I’ve been dealing with weight issues (since my teens), it’s always been a really sensitive subject for me. I first put on the weight because of a combination of binge eating and boredom. The summer heat is so ridiculous around here that even thinking of trying to go outside to get some exercise makes me feel like I’m gonna suffer from heat exhaustion. My mom and I did try afternoon walks for a while with Roxy, usually taking a bottle of ice water with us to try and combat the heat. That went by the wayside as Mom’s condition gradually worsened, but I’ve thought of trying to bring that up with Dad, but maybe in the mornings instead.

I just have a feeling that this diet is gonna be more trouble than it’s worth. It’s calorie-counting and they claim eating small portions throughout the day is supposed to combat feeling hungry all the time…but I fear I’ll still end up feeling hungry all the time. And when I feel hungry all the time, the more I’m tempted to binge eat. I feel like I’m setting myself up for sabotage. I feel miserable right now, and we haven’t even started.

Why are we attaching ourselves so much to numbers? Dress sizes, numbers on a scale, body mass index…you know, it’s been years since I’ve weighed myself on a scale. I stopped weighing myself because seeing the number go further and further up just made me feel worse about myself.

Sure, I could lose weight. But I feel like the way we’re about to go about it isn’t gonna be the right way. I’ll try this “diet” for two weeks. But I honestly think we need an overhaul of what we’re eating, but not in a way that will make us feel like we’re starving ourselves. I think we’re better off just making better choices at the grocery store rather than having it delivered to us. I don’t quite know how to tell him what I’m feeling. He’s so hell-bent on this. I’m feeling anxious and miserable. Is there something wrong with me, or is my anxiety justified?