This Is 35, or: Am I Having an Existential Crisis?

As you may have noticed, 2022 has been quite light on the blogging this year. Not because I’ve fallen out of love with blogging or writing in general, but because the desire to blog just hasn’t hit me much this year for various reasons. And one of the consequences of that is that I didn’t write a birthday/blogiversary post this year.

So, a few months later, I’m kinda doing a delayed version of the blogiversary post. And I had plans to write a post looking at my life at 35, which was the milestone age I turned this past March. But at that time, I just had no motivation to do it.

A few months later, not much has changed, and it just really bites at me. I don’t really like the state of my life right now, and I don’t know how to tell that to the people in my life who matter the most. I feel stuck and at times I feel like I’m an embarrassment and a failure as a human being. I feel like I’ve set such high expectations for myself throughout life, and I’ve failed to reach every single one of them. There are days like today, where I feel like I’ve become such a disappointment and a burden to everyone around me. It hurts me deeply to admit that.

Sometimes I think my dad is a saint for putting up with me, because even though I get the feeling he probably thinks I’m a disappointment for being in the situation I’m in right now (35, single, chronically unemployed, and who literally has no way or means to live independently right now), he never says anything about it. And it greatly annoys me that he hasn’t. I don’t know if it’s because he wants me to bring it up first or if he’s just resigned himself to thinking this is how it’s gonna be. But he’s not really the kind of person to resort to the latter of that.

Sometimes I just wish I could get away, even if for just a couple of days, or be someone else. Maybe someone who didn’t feel alone in their own family, or be someone who felt like they actually fit in for once. The loneliness gnaws at me like a parasite. And I feel like I’ve brought so much of this on myself. And once again, I feel like I’ve failed as a human being.

What have I done to deserve feeling like this?

I feel equal parts sad and angry at myself.

Before you go jumping to conclusions, I want to assure you that I’m not thinking about doing any harm to myself. The thought of that frankly scares me. But also, writing about things like what I’ve been feeling lately is one of the ways I try to deal with those feelings. But days like today aren’t good days for me. I have a tendency to have my negative thoughts snowball into worse and worse things and it leads to me seriously questioning my worth as a person. And it keeps happening to me, even now at 35.

Days like today, I feel tired and like there’s this absolute cloud hanging over my head and I just can’t shake it off. And I hate those kind of days. Most days are just…indifferent. But today honestly feels like an existential crisis.

Anyway, I think I’m gonna be okay physically, but right now I’m just not feeling too good about myself. Maybe that will change.

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